Rejection is a part of life that, however often it happens, is incredibly difficult to get used to. Especially for us girls. Feeling rejected can really screw you up, leave you feeling worthless and unwanted. It's bad enough when people reject you. When someone doesn't invite you to that party that everyone is going to, or when you're turned down for a job you really wanted. Often we thrive of approval from others. Whether they were rejecting us as a person or simply not believing we were the right person for them at the time, rejection feels the exact same.
I wasn't good enough.
But what's worse then that is when it feels like God is rejecting you as well. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is rejecting you so surely it's only a matter of time until God does as well. What's going to make him stay around if no one else will? I'm nothing special, just damaged goods.
Last year, I applied for an internship with a christian organisation. Everyone around me told me i was guaranteed to get a place, that i was perfect for it and it was where God wanted me. And it was what i wanted. I had a burning desire to serve God and to help heal his broken children. I was desperate for that opportunity to serve him for a year, to learn about myself and others and grow deeper in relationship with him. But I was rejected. The interviewer told me I wasn't right for leadership and it felt like the door was slammed on my face.
Something happened before the interview that made it so right that i didn't get that place. I was going through a difficult time in the family and with friends and i felt like everyone was rejecting me, that God was going to reject me. I didn't want to sit around and wait for him to turn his back on me so i set out to reject him instead. I tried my hardest to hurt him, to break his rules, to push him away. All i succeeded in doing was hurting myself.
God will never reject us. He is the one constant thing in our lives who will never leave, never change, never give up on us. When i didn't get that place it wasn't because God was rejecting me it was because he knew i was far from ready. He was saying "you're still my broken, hurting daughter and you need more time to rest in my arms". My attempts to push him away were without grounds, he never had any intention of leaving in the first place.
The bible is full of people worthy of God's rejection. King David committed adultery and had a man killed because he wanted his wife for his own; The Israelites, a whole people, continuously turned their backs on a God who had saved them from slavery and worshipped idols; Jonah refused to help God's people; Mary Magdalene and Tamar were prostitutes; Saul tried to have David killed and visited a medium, the adulterous woman in the New Testament, Samson disobeys God's commands and reveals the secret of his strength, Abraham doesn't trust God to keep his promise so sleeps with his wife's servant, Noah was a drunk, Cain killed his brother, and right at the very beginning Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate from the tree of life and both tried to shift the blame.
Right from the very beginning people were messing up. We are a worthless and broken people. If i was God, if i had been hurt as often and as badly as him, i would have given up on people a long time ago. Washed them away and started again. But God never will. He sticks with us no matter what because we are his children. That list is just to name a few. There are hundreds of other people who have screwed up and hurt God in the bible. People who were hurting and felt worthless. God didn't reject them, he made them whole.
Romans 8:28-39 tell us, "I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean. nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Nothing can ever separate us from the love of our Father in heaven.
When it feels like all the doors are closing in on us, when everyone is rejecting us, God is carving us a new path through the rubble of our lives. Who needs doors when walls are falling down?
Step by Faith Put the Past Away
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Girls you're fireworks
"You are alltogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you"- Song of Songs 4:7
Friday, 9 December 2011
He Never Gives up
"'Come let us argue this out' says the Lord, 'No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can fix it. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I will make you as white as wool'". -Isaiah 1:18
This is amazing on so many levels. The first striking thing is that God wants to argue with us. He's not just saying "I forgive you, forget your sins" he's going one further. He understands that as humans it takes us allot to let go. We cling on to our pain and our mistakes and we obsess over them. God wants us to tell him about them, tell him why we feel hopeless, tell him why we feel like we're not good enough. What's more, he's arguing with us as equals whilst we are still stained red as crimson. That is the beauty of his mercy.
The second striking thing about that verse is that no sin is too big. Nothing can separate us from God. Whether we hurt ourselves, or others. Whether we've been hurt and feel dirty and abused, or whether we've hurt God and pushed him to arms length. No matter how red we've stained ourselves he will make us clean and pure until we see ourselves as as precious as if we were looking through his eyes.
The last, and perhaps most beautiful thing, that strikes me about this verse is the prophetic nature of it. This verse in Isaiah, thousands of years BC, speaks of Jesus and his amazing sacrifice for us. Jesus was stained red with blood for us. Jesus was the lamb. Though our sins stain us red, the lamb of God will save us. Jesus will save us. Jesus was always planned. Our forgiveness and redemption was always planned.
That is how precious we are in God's eyes. Our value is far more than rubies or pearls. That God so loved the world that he gave his only son. God so loved you, that while you were still stained red as crimson he sent the lamb of God.
Nothing you can do can ruin his love for you. Nothing you can do can damage you in his eyes. We are never damaged goods to God.
This is amazing on so many levels. The first striking thing is that God wants to argue with us. He's not just saying "I forgive you, forget your sins" he's going one further. He understands that as humans it takes us allot to let go. We cling on to our pain and our mistakes and we obsess over them. God wants us to tell him about them, tell him why we feel hopeless, tell him why we feel like we're not good enough. What's more, he's arguing with us as equals whilst we are still stained red as crimson. That is the beauty of his mercy.
The second striking thing about that verse is that no sin is too big. Nothing can separate us from God. Whether we hurt ourselves, or others. Whether we've been hurt and feel dirty and abused, or whether we've hurt God and pushed him to arms length. No matter how red we've stained ourselves he will make us clean and pure until we see ourselves as as precious as if we were looking through his eyes.
The last, and perhaps most beautiful thing, that strikes me about this verse is the prophetic nature of it. This verse in Isaiah, thousands of years BC, speaks of Jesus and his amazing sacrifice for us. Jesus was stained red with blood for us. Jesus was the lamb. Though our sins stain us red, the lamb of God will save us. Jesus will save us. Jesus was always planned. Our forgiveness and redemption was always planned.
That is how precious we are in God's eyes. Our value is far more than rubies or pearls. That God so loved the world that he gave his only son. God so loved you, that while you were still stained red as crimson he sent the lamb of God.
Nothing you can do can ruin his love for you. Nothing you can do can damage you in his eyes. We are never damaged goods to God.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39
Safe
I don't know about you, but I'm very good at blaming God for the bad times and praising myself for the good. I'm even better at making the bad times worse by turning away from God and attempting to solve things myself.
For my 16th birthday I went to the London Dungeons with some friends. There's one part where they're displaying medieval surgery. So I'm engrossed as they pull bloodstained intestines from the dummy as my friend murmurs "I'm going to faint". Next thing I know she's lying on the floor and has made a very loud crack on the way down as her head bounced of the wooden barrier. Like a sensible person and good friend I called for help and took control of the situation. Did I heck. Instead, I chose to poke her aimlessly saying, "Harriet, stop messing around. What are you doing? Get up!" In fact, it took someone on the OTHER SIDE of the room to notice and actually call for help. So what can we take from this? Well, firstly it's obvious one should never faint around me, or indeed have any medical emergency. Secondly, and most importantly though, we can learn that as humans we don't always make the best decisions or have the right answer to a problem.
We mess up. We make mistakes. We decide that self harm is the best way to deal with pain. We decide that drinking will solve all our problems, or at least allow us to forget them for a while. We decide that throwing up our food will make us feel prettier, be more accepted.
People have made mistakes since right back in biblical times. In 2 Kings 6-7 we see a people desperate as a result of a severe famine. But rather than turning to God, they're trying to help themselves:
"This woman proposed that we eat my son one day and her son the next. So we cooked my son and ate him. Then the next day i said, 'kill your son so we can eat him,' but she had hidden him." -2 Kings 6:28-29
Now obviously, eating your children is never going to be a good solution to a famine. But it was the only man made solution available. The people were desperate and the situation seemed hopeless. Then God intervenes. He makes the nearby army here the sound of chariots so that they flee, and then he sends in four lepers (another amazing example of God using the broken to save his children) to discover the food.
"So it was true that five quarts of fine flour were sold that day for half an ounce of silver, and ten quarts of barley grain were sold for half an ounce of silver, just as the Lord had promised." -2 Kings 7:16
We can take the same moral from this story, human solutions are often inadequate, but God has the answer. If we look to ourselves for security we end up with cannibalism and aimless poking. If we look to God, we end up with Jesus. The ultimate solution.
It's all very well saying that God intervened there. But the baby was still eaten. It might seem he intervened too late. I missed out an important bit of my confession. The alley the guy led me down, was outside a church. It was a church wall I was raped against. I spent months torn apart by both guilt and anger. "It was outside your house God and you didn't stop it".
But the bible tells us :
"We are hunted down but God never abandons us. We get knocked down but we get up again and keep going, Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies" - 2 Corinthinans 4:10
God doesn't force his intervention on us. If we want to go our own way, make our own mistakes he'll leave us to it. But when things fall apart and we turn back to him he's instantly there. He never abandons us. Then good things can blossom from the ashes of our mistakes.
We are safe in his arms. Things still go wrong, we still get bashed about a bit by the world. But the promise was never that life would be easy, the promise was that God would always be with us. God's solutions are good, God's solution is Jesus.
For my 16th birthday I went to the London Dungeons with some friends. There's one part where they're displaying medieval surgery. So I'm engrossed as they pull bloodstained intestines from the dummy as my friend murmurs "I'm going to faint". Next thing I know she's lying on the floor and has made a very loud crack on the way down as her head bounced of the wooden barrier. Like a sensible person and good friend I called for help and took control of the situation. Did I heck. Instead, I chose to poke her aimlessly saying, "Harriet, stop messing around. What are you doing? Get up!" In fact, it took someone on the OTHER SIDE of the room to notice and actually call for help. So what can we take from this? Well, firstly it's obvious one should never faint around me, or indeed have any medical emergency. Secondly, and most importantly though, we can learn that as humans we don't always make the best decisions or have the right answer to a problem.
We mess up. We make mistakes. We decide that self harm is the best way to deal with pain. We decide that drinking will solve all our problems, or at least allow us to forget them for a while. We decide that throwing up our food will make us feel prettier, be more accepted.
People have made mistakes since right back in biblical times. In 2 Kings 6-7 we see a people desperate as a result of a severe famine. But rather than turning to God, they're trying to help themselves:
"This woman proposed that we eat my son one day and her son the next. So we cooked my son and ate him. Then the next day i said, 'kill your son so we can eat him,' but she had hidden him." -2 Kings 6:28-29
Now obviously, eating your children is never going to be a good solution to a famine. But it was the only man made solution available. The people were desperate and the situation seemed hopeless. Then God intervenes. He makes the nearby army here the sound of chariots so that they flee, and then he sends in four lepers (another amazing example of God using the broken to save his children) to discover the food.
"So it was true that five quarts of fine flour were sold that day for half an ounce of silver, and ten quarts of barley grain were sold for half an ounce of silver, just as the Lord had promised." -2 Kings 7:16
We can take the same moral from this story, human solutions are often inadequate, but God has the answer. If we look to ourselves for security we end up with cannibalism and aimless poking. If we look to God, we end up with Jesus. The ultimate solution.
It's all very well saying that God intervened there. But the baby was still eaten. It might seem he intervened too late. I missed out an important bit of my confession. The alley the guy led me down, was outside a church. It was a church wall I was raped against. I spent months torn apart by both guilt and anger. "It was outside your house God and you didn't stop it".
But the bible tells us :
"We are hunted down but God never abandons us. We get knocked down but we get up again and keep going, Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies" - 2 Corinthinans 4:10
God doesn't force his intervention on us. If we want to go our own way, make our own mistakes he'll leave us to it. But when things fall apart and we turn back to him he's instantly there. He never abandons us. Then good things can blossom from the ashes of our mistakes.
We are safe in his arms. Things still go wrong, we still get bashed about a bit by the world. But the promise was never that life would be easy, the promise was that God would always be with us. God's solutions are good, God's solution is Jesus.
" The LORD watches over you, the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore. " -Pslam 121: 5-8
Introductions
This is a blog I am going to begin with honesty. Few people will read this. But this is as much for me as you.
On February 14th 2011, in the early hours of the morning, I was raped.
I’d gone out in a terrible mood that day. I was angry and self destructive. I was aiming to drink enough to pass out, to drown out everything running through my mind. I downed cocktail after cocktail before a man, Pete, offered to buy me a drink. We danced and we kissed and I suggested we leave the club together.
That’s right. I suggested. The thing is. There’s a myth going round that if the girl said yes at any point then it’s not rape. Who cares if she changes her mind after all? Consent has been given. If she changes her mind she’s just a tease who deserves it anyway.
But that’s not true.
Outside the club I could barely stand. I couldn’t see, couldn’t think. The world was spinning. Pete led me down an alley and pressed me against the wall. I was suddenly filled with horror. What was I doing? This was my virginity and I was a christian. I made a weak attempt at pushing him away, saying no, but alcohol has a way of preventing you moving. I was close to passing out. He turned me around and there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t fight him and my drunken brain could not muster words let alone a scream. All I could think about was how much I wanted it to stop. How much I wanted to get away. How much he was hurting me.
When it was finished I returned to the club and collapsed in the toilets.
There you have it. That’s my story. It’s not dramatic. No man grabbed me from the shadows or wrestled me to the ground. I didn’t fight, I froze. I didn’t scream, I cried. But it was still rape. There are many different types of rape. All that matters is that the girl wants it to stop. Taking advantage of a girl too paralytic to properly fight you is just as much rape as fighting one to the ground.
I’m telling you this because no girl should have to suffer this alone. No girl should feel like it’s her fault or like damaged goods. This blog is about rebuilding self esteem. Mine and yours. This is about reinventing ourselves in Christ.
This isn’t restricted to rape victims. That’s just my story. Anything that holds you back from being the strong woman you should be needs to be faced. Eating disorders, violence, depression, stress, relationships; anything. Whether it's something you've been a victim of or something you need forgiving for.
The bible tells us:
"What this means is that those become christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gon. A new life has begun."- 2 Corinthians 5:17
This is blog is about removing the shackles that hold us back, one by one, and moving into the light, into the life we were made for.
Together.
The bible tells us:
"What this means is that those become christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gon. A new life has begun."- 2 Corinthians 5:17
This is blog is about removing the shackles that hold us back, one by one, and moving into the light, into the life we were made for.
Together.
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