One of the girls filmed was 17 year old Beth who was preparing to lose her v plates on a boozey holiday in Lanzarote. She said she dreamt that her first time would be romantic music and petals yet she accepted that it would most likely be a drunken one night stand and so was planning for that. We saw Beth getting her first bikini wax in preparation and discussing the best sexual positions with her parents (yet sadly no mention of protection or the benefits of relationships).
Three things really bothered me about this scene. Firstly, shouldn’t the parents place be to educate on all the options and all the risks? Whilst Beth’s open and honest relationship with her parents was wonderful to watch it felt like the only things her parents had taught her about sex was what different positions felt like. As a parent, shouldn’t you be doing your best to make sure your 17 year old daughter is aware that sex will be different if it’s a one night stand or in a relationship and discuss the real pros and cons of both? Her parents didn’t seem to have an issue with their daughter heading out with the purpose of losing her virginity in a drunken one night stand. It’s worrying to think that this casual attitude to the first time is what our modern society is left with.
Secondly, Beth said that because she had waited for sex she wanted it to be special. So was the documentary really trying to pretend that being a virgin at 17 means you’ve waited? 17 was the oldest that anyone shown had lost their virginity, so is society considering 17 old to be a virgin? Was Healey really suggesting that it’s something that should be shed at a younger age? At one point Healey admitted she was starting to believe that virginity “is just something you have to get done and move on”. This is a view she doesn’t contest in the rest of the documentary. At 17 you are still very young. You don’t really know yourself, or what you want to do or be. You’ve never experienced real independence and you’ve had little responsibility. You’re still a child in the eyes of the law. Whether or not you’re a virgin shouldn’t be a big deal at 17, and being one at 17 certainly doesn’t mean you’re old or have waited a long time. Losing it much earlier might have a serious negative effect on your later emotional health.
Thirdly, why should we settle? Beth dreamt of petals and music yet she was willing to settle for a fumble in an alley. Our modern world is all about getting things fast and we seem to have forgotten the value of patience. This is one of those cases where we need to learn waiting makes things better! It’s like when you bake a cake and you want to decorate it straight away without waiting for it to cool. But if you just rushed in and decorated it before the sponge was ready the icing wouldn’t set right and the decorations just wouldn’t work. Rushing into decorating ruins the whole cake! In the same way, rushing into sex at a young age rather than waiting for it to be as perfect as you want it to be might ruin your whole impression of sex for years to come. 50% of people say they regret their first time. If we just learnt the value of patience that number might decrease a hell of a lot.
Another thing that troubled me about the show was the voyeuristic twist. It was uncomfortable to hear Alex talk about how a guy had taken advantage of her, making her feel they were in a relationship when he was just using her for sex. It was even more uncomfortable to hear 15 year old Darien talking about how he’d lost it at 12 on the kitchen floor with a girl he didn’t fancy and didn’t even kiss. He said he hadn’t know what a condom was, let alone use one, and had given no consideration to the possible consequences. Healey talked about how losing your virginity at a young age meant it had no emotional consequence with no consideration of the girl that also lost it at 12 on a kitchen floor with a guy who’d shown her no tenderness, no consideration and no care. I’m sure that, that experience had an emotional impact on her. Both Alex and Darien laughed off their disastrous virgin tales and neither suggested that it would have been better had they been in a loving, intimate relationship. Moreover, neither considered the negative affect this might have had on their adult life or the significant experience it could have become.
However, the documentary wasn’t all negatives. Healey gives an honest account of how she “might” have lost her virginity to a stranger when she was 15. She reveals how it embarrasses and upsets her that she could have lost it to someone who she didn’t know, who didn’t care about her and she doesn’t even remember. After numerous occasions where she woke up to someone who’s name she didn’t know Healey decided it was time for change. She met a practising Christian and decided that she would go without sex in order to make things work with him. It was refreshing to hear her account of how the experience changed her outlook on life and herself. Healey said that before that relationship she had believed it was impossible to have a true bond without sex yet when this guy broke up with she was the most heart broken she had ever been. After the relationship ended she went without sex for a further 3 years and found that she was more comfortable and happy with herself and around men because she felt in control.
So what did this documentary do well? The admission that it can be good to have a relationship without sex was quite a revelation for modern media. It’s a shame that Healey didn’t take this further. She hinted that her bond with the guy in the celibate relationship was stronger than with guys she’d slept with yet didn’t explore this. She didn’t suggest that the extra time spent getting to know each other and getting emotionally close meant that their intimacy was on a higher level than with guys she’d slept with yet known little about.
What did the documentary do really badly? It completely missed out the importance of love and intimacy when losing your virginity. It’s an emotionally significant moment, especially for a girl, and it’s something that is going to be much better if your partner cares about you, or even knows your name. Every time you have sex you join together with that person and a part of you is always left behind. The suggestion that it’s something you should just lose and move on will leave behind a trail of hurting and damaged teens.
God wants us to have sex in a committed loving relationship, and God doesn’t say things without a good reason. Sex is an act of love from one person to another. It’s meant to be as close to God’s love as you can feel with another person. And it’s so much better if you are in a loving relationship. In a relationship you will be emotionally secure and whole. You will be looked after and treated like the treasure you are. God wants you to feel loved and valued and not to feel the dirt or the sleaze associated with one night stands. Sex isn’t meant to be dirty and sleazy, it’s meant to be an expression of love.
Check out Song of Songs to see how good God wants sex to be for us.
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